Experiences I will never have

I know how incredibly lucky I am that I have a happy, healthy 4 month old son. All things considered, I should be grateful both Tristan and I are alive to celebrate the day-to-day moments. For the most part, this is true.
Initially, after I was released from the hospital, I put all my energy and focus into helping Tristan grow and escape the NICU. Having my presence around as much as possible was such a key element to that end result. It gave me a goal to focus on while I did not focus on the experiences I lost.
However, now that I have more time, I find myself thinking about certain moments I will never get to experience. While I understand the reasoning, I still feel I have somehow been denied something in my life. What, you may ask, am I missing out on? Well, I will never know what it is like to be rushed into the hospital, pack a birthing room bag, get an epidural, be the first person to hold my child, etc... . Even more importantly, due to the health risks, I will never again have the chance at another pregnancy. Yes, I should be grateful for what I have been given, and I am. It does not change the fact that part of me will probably always feel like I lost out on some of those moments.

Tristan, my star child, I will be forever grateful for you. I just wish I could give you another brother or sister. I love you.