5 months strong

First and foremost, I apologize for not writing more frequently. This little guy can be quite distracting. He is now, officially, five months old. He is cooing and saying new sounds constantly. He is also smiling more (though it is hard to capture a good smile). Tristan definitely has an expressive personality.


The newest challenge is getting him to sleep longer at night. My son has been quite the night owl from birth. One might think this is a good quality to celebrate if he/ she considers the fact that I am a night owl. In one sense, I get a great sense of enjoyment in the thought of him staying up late with me (just as I stayed up with my dad when I was a child). As a child, I would go to bed at 8 and then get back up after my mom went to bed. I loved to watch late night television (especially cheers, MASH, and the tonight show) with my dad. Part of me thinks it would be cool to have this experience in the reverse with Tristan. That said, I also value the need for sleep (for both me and him). I have been reading multiple books on sleep training; to be honest, most of them are not helpful;; they have nuggets of information every once in a while. Thus far, based on some concepts from the books along with my gut instinct, I have Tristan sleeping in his crib or bassinet by 9:30 pm. :-). As a preemie, I have to factor in his gestational age. Developmentally, he may not be mature enough for a hard schedule. Thus far, he has not shown any real developmental issues that suggest gestational relevance. That said, it can be a possibility I have to consider. Hopefully, I can work him down to a 9:00 pm time with no breaks in the middle of the night to eat. I have noticed Tristan sleeps much more during the day now that he is sleeping more at night. We shall see how his schedule adjusts over the next few weeks/ months.

For the moment, he seems to grow. There will be more updates to come post Fourth of July weekend.

The apprehension diminishes

I have said that I was born to be a mom. I previously channeled this connection into my nieces and nephews. However, as involved as I got, there were always aspects of taking care of children that created apprehension. These aspects included setting up and breaking down a stroller, mixing formula, being 100% responsible for the bath process, properly setting up the car seat, safely using a moby baby carrier, etc. On top of the apprehension one has with a normal full term baby, these and other "procedures" are compounded with a preemie.

What has been such a surprise to me is the confidence I have in most if not all these things. Rather than being scared because my child is more "fragile," I took that challenge to be even more assured in my actions. As I have always said, I had plenty of training to be a mom. I just did not fully realize the depth of that training because I could rely on others for assistance. I was a third party following instructions. Now, I (along with my husband) am the controlling party training others in what to do. This is such an awe inspiring feeling.

I will always remember the first time I wrapped a moby around my body and put Tristan in it safely. All this was done in my kitchen at 11 something pm.

I will always remember successfully instructing my husband on how to collapse our particular stroller.

I look forward to the future moments where I surprise myself with the mothering things I know even better than I thought.

Free from the machines -- almost!

It has now been over five days since Tristan has been off the oxygen machine. We still have to spot check him to make sure his oxygen is staying at a high enough level, but he no longer has any tubes covering his sweet face.

Below is one of the last pictures of him with his oxygen tube.

I know how lucky we were to only go home on oxygen. Many parents leave the NICU with their children on far more serious medical equipment and tubes. We should not be complaining about oxygen. However, we never wanted to go home on oxygen. We wanted Tristan to be healthy enough to go home free and clear of all machines. In fact, he was almost sent home days before we actually broke him out with no oxygen, so it was frustrating having to then take him home on oxygen. Even more frustrating is the inconsistency among doctors about what it takes to get him off oxygen.

As a result, once we got the free and clear to start the weaning process, we jumped on board. Here is the sweet result.

Freedom has arrived! Now, he has to keep it up for the next two months until we can get the all clear from the pulmonologist. Let's hope he stays strong!

4 month check up

Today, Tristan had his four month check-up. Technically, he was four months on Sunday. Anyway, these check -ups are extremely critical in assessing his progression. Having a preemie may add more anxiety to parents in terms of developmental issues.

When my sisters first asked me about Tristan's developmental milestones, I did not make a big issue out of them. However, on the inside I was nervous. He seemed healthy, so why would he not be on par? The reality is many preemies are not so lucky.

However, the good news is Tristan is doing phenomenally well despite his adjusted gestational expectations. He is actually on track with a normal, full term 4 month old in his skills. Aside from his weight and length being on the small side, his motor, cognitive, and communicative skills are all on track. Our pediatrician was actually surprised.

Hopefully, he continues on this trajectory. Much future anxiety could be avoided on my end.

On a side note, I am having some technical difficulties with pics at the moment. I will post some soon.

Experiences I will never have

I know how incredibly lucky I am that I have a happy, healthy 4 month old son. All things considered, I should be grateful both Tristan and I are alive to celebrate the day-to-day moments. For the most part, this is true.
Initially, after I was released from the hospital, I put all my energy and focus into helping Tristan grow and escape the NICU. Having my presence around as much as possible was such a key element to that end result. It gave me a goal to focus on while I did not focus on the experiences I lost.
However, now that I have more time, I find myself thinking about certain moments I will never get to experience. While I understand the reasoning, I still feel I have somehow been denied something in my life. What, you may ask, am I missing out on? Well, I will never know what it is like to be rushed into the hospital, pack a birthing room bag, get an epidural, be the first person to hold my child, etc... . Even more importantly, due to the health risks, I will never again have the chance at another pregnancy. Yes, I should be grateful for what I have been given, and I am. It does not change the fact that part of me will probably always feel like I lost out on some of those moments.

Tristan, my star child, I will be forever grateful for you. I just wish I could give you another brother or sister. I love you.